you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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