My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
