Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
