Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
