Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
