1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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