I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
