I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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