I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
