If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
