he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
