Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
