It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
