i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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