last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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