He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
