I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
