I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
