I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
