I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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