You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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