I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
