Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
