My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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