I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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