dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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