Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
