He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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