i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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