Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
