R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
