His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
