Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
