K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
