He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
