Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
