What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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