I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
