I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
