as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
