my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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