I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
