she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
