I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
