I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
