he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Randomize
