in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
