Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
