You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
