At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
