Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
