it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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